Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize