i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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