I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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