I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
