I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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