When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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