The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
