My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
