The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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