Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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