Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
