I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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