I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
