Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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