also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
