I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
