I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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