ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
