He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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