Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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