My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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