Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
