I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
