It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
BRING THE BAGELS
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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