I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
