I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize