Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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