no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
