I just threw up on my dentist
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
