So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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