nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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