I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize