the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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