omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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