At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
