News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
