made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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