Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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