At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
