no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize