after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
