Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love having hate sex.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
