Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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