i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize