So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
