I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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