She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
