i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
