if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
even my farts smell like vagina
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
