She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I pour the whiskey from now on
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
