I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fuck appropriateness.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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