How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
