I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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