batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
