I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
