i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize