Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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