It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
