My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
