i don't like sucking hair
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
