Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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