I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
