Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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