so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize