seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
