I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
