Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize