Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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