new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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