I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This baby is an asshole
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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