Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
