I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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