I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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