I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
